


The words that I write to you

by interstellash



Category: IT (2017)
Genre: M/M, OOC, jonathan is actually...eddie's brother, mike and stan are eddie's best friends, richie plays the guitar woo, they are 15/16 in this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-08 14:08:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14107047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/interstellash/pseuds/interstellash
Summary: Eddie sees the opportunity to tell his crush that he likes her at the last party before summer break.It won't go as he intended to and Richie Tozier will give him yet another reason to hate him.However, during summer, they will accidentally bump into each other again, and Eddie's opinion on him will slowly change.





	1. Chapter 1

‘Finally’ Eddie muttered, feeling the sun against his cheeks, warming up his face, almost itching  
  
‘Can’t believe we survived yet another year to that Estevez idiot’  
  
‘Never thought someone who is so young would be that much of a dick to us’ Mike added.  
  
‘Haven’t you met Stan’s brother?’  
  
‘He’s more of a dick even’  
  
‘Shut the fuck up’ protested Stan.  
  
Eddie laughed.  
  
‘It must run in the family’  
  
He managed to dodge Stan’s fist.  
  
It was the last day of school, and Eddie thought it hadn't felt like summer until the moment they had left the building. Or maybe exams had been suffocating him and he hadn’t been able to pay attention to the gradual shift in the air, and the way every mundane thing worked. But he could tell now.  
  
‘Five thirty, then?’  
  
‘Five thirty’  
  
‘Don’t be late’ Mike told Stan.  
  
‘Tell that to the prince, I bet he’ll spend an hour just washing his teeth getting ready for the moment, oh, the moment when their lips meet…’  
  
‘At least I wash my teeth’ he said, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
Stan looked pissed, but couldn't find a good comeback.  
  
They saw Mary and Linda walk past them. A small chuckle escaped their lips as they looked at Eddie.  
  
‘Well, I’m pretty sure she got it’ Mike assured.  
  
‘If she doesn’t come we can assume she doesn’t like you’ Stan commented.  
  
The thought of her not coming made Eddie’s neck tickle, the thought of her coming made his palms sweat.  
  
Everyone knew that there was a party at the meadows in the afternoon. A farewell party. There would be alcohol and there would be interesting people for Eddie and his friends. Eddie had seized the opportunity to send a note to his crush - just a question, a statement, and two ‘x’s under them. Mike had helped him write it, stepping up and saying that he knew how to ‘treat the ladies’. Thinking back on it Eddie had realized that it was fairly easy to come up with something to say, but the perspective of his crush being aware of his feelings had clouded the rational part of his mind.  
  
‘She’ll come’ Mike reassured him, and Eddie just shook his head, both excited and scared.  
  
Someone bumped him, almost making him fall.  
  
Eddie turned around to look at him once he regained balance.  
  
'Watch it' he snapped.  
  
'You were in the way' Richie replied, a half-smile on his face as he walked away.  
  
Eddie shook his head.  
  
'He better don't show up' he told his friends.  
  
'Yeah, I bet the most popular kid in our class and one of the most popular in our school is not coming to the last party of the year' Mike retorted.  
  
Eddie sighed.  
  
He was not very fond of Richie Tozier, nor was Richie very fond of him. He wouldn't say he hated him, but his existence sometimes turned out to be an inconvenience for Eddie. It was more a passive-aggressive confrontation, rather than a plain aggressive one. He didn’t know when had it started, he just remembered moments in which he had thought ‘ _I do really, really, really hate this guy_ ’, like the time they were seeking people for the school's newspaper and Eddie tried to get in for the Culture section, but they gave it to Richie, who then told him he was very sorry that both of them couldn’t do it together. The irony in his words was still fresh in Eddie’s memory. Or all the times they were in Science, Eddie’s favorite subject, and whenever he commented on a topic he was interested in or answered a question, Richie would always have something else to add. Always. It was always Richie Tozier.  
  
‘Whatever, I won’t let that ruin my night’  
  
‘That’s my boy!’ said Mike, throwing an arm around his shoulders as they headed home. 

\- 

'I look okay' Eddie said, nodding confidently to himself. 'Do I look okay?' he turned to ask Stan, as his features filled with panic.  
  
'You look amazing. But you gotta relax' his friend replied.  
  
'Okay, okay, I'm relaxing' he told himself over and over that he couldn’t forget to breathe, but realized that there was a better option in order not to have to repeat that in his mind like a mantra, ‘I’m leaving’.  
  
Both Mike and Stan grabbed his arms, again. They had undergone this exact same situation for the past half hour, ever since they had left Eddie’s house.  
  
'Hey, have you seen Mary?' Mike asked to a girl who was in their History class.  
  
She smiled, a red cup in her hand.  
  
'Nope, sorry'  
  
Mike thanked her and turned back to Eddie and Stan.  
  
'Imma look for her'  
  
'No, why?' Eddie asked, fear in his eyes.  
  
'You know why' he replied. 'Keep an eye on him' he told Stan.  
  
Mike left and Eddie turned towards him.  
  
'I can't do this'  
  
'Of course you can, you've been waiting for this night for like a month'  
  
'I can wait a bit more' Eddie replied, biting his lower lip.  
  
Stan held both his shoulders from behind and pressed his fingers against them, making him stretch his back.  
  
'Why are you so nervous?'  
  
'I don't know' he lowered his gaze.  
  
He saw the people having fun around them. Some of them were drinking, some of them were dancing, and some of them just sat around chatting. He felt like he couldn't have fun even if he was with his friends, even if school was over until September. He felt that he wanted to kiss Mary but also dreaded doing so. How could that be? Was everyone nervous like this on their first kiss? Were they even going to kiss? It wasn’t like they were necessarily going to do it, he had just asked her whether she was coming, and said he would like her to be there. But she must have read between the lines, though, and Eddie knew.  
  
He also knew that she would be there, of course she would. And she was smart, and pretty, and cute and generous, and that’s why Eddie wanted to kiss her. He was scared because maybe it wouldn't go the way he wanted it to.  
  
'Why are you making me do this?' He asked as he pouted.  
  
'Because I'm your friend and I know you want this' Stan replied, still pressing his fingers against his back to try to help him relax but also make sure he wouldn't escape.  
  
Eddie saw someone gulping down a glass full of God-knows-what right next to them.  
  
'The way I know you love horror movies but as soon as we got tickets you start saying you don’t want to watch them. Knowing that you can do it and that you can enjoy it scares you shitless but then you have a great time so no, we’re not going until you do this'  
  
Eddie closed his eyes and breathed out. He knew he was right, and he hated it. He opened them again to see more people walk past them, more alcohol, more music, more guys playing guitar trying to get girls to fall for them. Someone was singing a song in the distance, well, yelling.  
  
Eddie knew he had heard it in the radio, but couldn't recognize it.  
  
Suddenly, Eddie saw Linda and went after her, grabbing her by the arm.  
  
She looked pissed but relaxed a bit when he saw who it was.  
  
'Hey, Linda' Eddie said, a small smile on his face.  
  
'Oh, hi' she replied.  
  
They both knew what he wanted. She must have seen it in his face.  
  
'Have you seen Mary?'  
  
'Yeah, she's back there.' she pointed towards her back, the direction in which Mike had gone a few minutes back 'Last time I saw her she was with Richie'  
  
Eddie opened his mouth, but he didn't actually know what to say.  
  
She half-closed her eyes, examining him, and then opened them again.  
  
'I gotta go' she said, and disappeared into the crowd of people.  
  
Eddie found Stan where he had seen him for the last time, a knowing look on his face, which disappeared when he saw the confusion in his friend’s expression.  
  
'What's wrong?' he asked.  
  
And as soon as he said that, Mike appeared, his words didn't match his the look on his face.  
  
'I didn't see her. Maybe she didn't come after all'  
  
Eddie saw his lips move but couldn't hear what he was saying as a group of people singing loudly walked past them. However, judging by his hands gestures he could guess that he was telling them that they could leave the party. And he got to hear the last words, something along the lines of 'this is boring, anyways'.  
  
Eddie walked past Mike, slightly bumping his shoulder. He wasn’t even mad at him even though he knew he'd probably lied. He knew he'd done it to protect him. No, the target of his anger was somebody else. Somebody who somehow had known what his heart wanted and had made sure that he wasn't getting it. He was sure he hadn't even hesitated. It didn't matter how the information reached him, it just mattered that it had, and he had used it to hurt Eddie.  
  
He recognized him by his stupid leather jacket. He was with his stupid friends, who weren't nearly as stupid as him, but stupid enough to be with someone like him.  
  
'Tozier!' Eddie called out, when he was three steps away from him. He consumed those steps and pushed him, hard, Richie's expression changing from surprise to annoyance.  
  
'What the fuck is wrong with you?' Eddie asked, pushing him again.  
  
'What the hell are you talking about?' Richie replied, a warning tone ‘ _if you touch me again, you’ll regret it_ ’.  
  
And that was it. Eddie couldn't take the fake innocence, the look in his eyes that said ' _you are crazy_ '. As if he’s making this all up and he didn’t know what he'd done. He couldn’t take any of it. He hit him. He aimed at the jaw but his fist impacted against his lower lip.  
  
He fell on the ground, and people immediately grabbed Eddie by both his arms to get him away from Richie before he jumped on him again.  
  
He kicked the air, trying to move forward but not being allowed to do it. He was breathing fast, jaw clenched.  
  
His friends came after him. They exchanged places with those who were holding him back, and started taking him away from there, because it was obvious that the party was over for them.  
  
And thank God they did not come back to highschool the following day, or else this would be the only thing everyone would be talking about. It would probably still be anyways, but at least they would be able to avoid it.  
  
As they carried him away, Richie got up, his lip bleeding profusely, but he was smiling. Eddie would think back on this and think that there must have been, obviously, undeniably, something wrong with him.  
  
'I didn't know you liked her, but if I had, I'd have done it before' 

-  
'Boy, I hadn't seen that side of you before'  
  
It was the following day. They were all at Eddie's. He had a pillow on his face and was lying on his own bed, refusing to get out of home, at least for the following month.  
  
'Can we please talk about something else?'  
  
'It was awesome, though! Shame you didn't knock him out, but it was a nice hit'  
  
Eddie sighed against the pillow, the steam bathed his face. He heard someone hitting something, followed by an 'ow!'. Stan must had hit him so he would drop it.  
  
'So, what do you want to do today?' his friend asked, tilting forward to be closer to him.  
  
'I want to die and come back to life as someone no one knows'  
  
'Wow, what about us?'  
  
'I'll tell you it's me'  
  
'Please, don't come back as a 40 year old, that'd freak me out' Mike said.  
  
'Does my father freak you out?' Stan asked.  
  
'It'd freak me out if he wanted to be friends with me. Your father is kind of a freak, though'  
  
'Fuck you'  
  
'Hey you asked'  
  
'You're an asshole, Mike'  
  
'But dude - '  
  
Eddie let out a long, painful groan. Hearing them argue, even if he knew it wasn't serious, was the last thing he needed. However, he didn’t want to be left alone, either. The fact that his friends were there and hadn’t decided he was crazy after what had happened yesterday gave him some kind of reassurance. Well, maybe they HAD decided that he was crazy but still wanted him around anyway.  
  
In any case, they were there, that was more than enough for him.  
  
'I overreacted, didn't I?'  
  
'You did'  
  
'Yeah' Mike corroborated.  
  
'But you know what? No one will remember this when we go back to school'  
  
'Yep. They won't, but we will remind you, on a daily basis' Mike added.  
  
Eddie smiled against the pillow and tried to hit him, blindly.  
  
'Did I wake the beast yet again?' he asked dramatically.  
  
'Yeah, you always do' Eddie replied, but it came out muffled because of the pillow. 

-  
He failed at not getting out of home for the following month. Stan and Mike had convinced him to leave his refuge by saying they could grab ther bikes and get a bit distanced from civilization, and therefore avoid potential encounters with people who would probably have a lot to say about his outburst. It had been five days since it had happened. Eddie slowly felt that he was starting to move past it. It was like, maybe five steps behind him, one for each day. He had perspective, but it was still fresh enough in his mind to feel a wave of embarrassment run through his body whenever he thought back on it.  
  
It would go away eventually.  
  
‘Does the quarry sound good?’ Mike asked both of them, but looked particularly at Eddie.  
  
‘Yeah’ he nodded from a couple of meters behind him.  
  
‘I’m getting something to drink’ Stan stated as soon as he saw a grocery store. ‘Want anything?’  
  
‘Yeah, a coke please’ Mike said.  
  
‘Me too’ Eddie agreed.  
  
He rested his arms on the handlebar and his chin on top of them, looking at the people that were crossing the street at that moment.  
  
He wondered whether Mike wasn’t saying anything because he was checking to see if he spotted anyone who could recognize Eddie from the party. He was usually more talkative than this.  
  
‘You alright?’ he asked him, turning around to look at him.  
  
‘Sure. Are you?’ his friend asked back, a small smile on his lips.  
  
Oh, he recognized that smile. That was the smile that said that he wasn't okay, but he didn't want to talk about it either.  
  
Eddie felt selfish when he thought that maybe the reason he wasn’t telling him was because of what had happened at the party.  
  
‘Yes, I’m good’ he replied, and he hoped he could read in his face that he was there for him.  
  
His eyes stopped holding his friend’s gaze as soon as he spotted someone behind him, at the bus stop. He recognized him immediately, and he wasn’t surprised when he saw that he was looking at him, too.  
  
Eddie clenched his jaw, he could hear his own heartbeat in his ears. He was too far to say anything to him, at least without the risk of making a scene again.  
  
After a couple of seconds, Richie raised an eyebrow.  
  
Eddie pointed at his own lip and then showed him a thumbs up with a smile on his face.  
  
Richie spat on the ground next to him, then puckered his lips, the bus stopping in front of him.  
  
Eddie couldn’t help but tilt his head sideways, thinking _what the fuck?_ , but as soon as he realized how ostentatious his smugness was still, in spite of a broken lip, a new wave of anger ran through his body.  
  
Stan arrived just then. Mike had his features scrunched up after what had just happened, and he looked at him as if saying that it was better not to ask.  
  
Stan saw Eddie following the bus with his eyes as he held the three cokes he’d gotten for him and his friends. Mike thought that if he had come back earlier, one of the bottles would have been thrown at the bus.

-  
The next time he saw him, it was in one of the places he least expected.  
  
Eddie’s brother, Jonathan worked at the music store downtown. Music was his passion, and even though he had tried, he had never gotten Eddie to like music as much as he did. Sure, some of the bands, or songs his brother had suggested him gave a listen to were good, some even Eddie’s favorites, but he never went to explore on his own, never felt the urge to widen his musical horizons. He settled with what was given to him. Jonathan knew, and sometimes the lack of interest that he saw in his little brother concerned him. Especially because it wasn’t about music only, he didn't have any hobbies, always hanging out with his friends, but he wasn’t passionate about anything, as far as he could tell. He had never brought this up to him, but if he had, Eddie would have told him that what he felt for music was what he felt for his friends. What music gave to him, was what his friends gave to Eddie. Jonathan didn’t understand why Eddie was always with them, just as Eddie didn’t get why he was always with his headphones on, listening to both old and new songs. Music was always there for Jonathan, just as Mike and Stan were always there for Eddie.  
  
He walked in, London Calling was playing, probably too low for his brother’s taste, but Eddie knew it was him who had made the playlist that was always on. If he was to listen the same songs day and night, it would be songs that he loved passionately and wouldn’t get tired of.  
  
‘Hey’ he said, as soon as he saw him coming out of the backstore.  
  
‘Oh, hi’ he replied, but immediately frowned. ‘What are you doing here?’ he asked.  
  
‘You forgot your lunch at home’ Eddie said, handing him the lunchbox.  
  
His eyes opened completely as he took it, then he shut them as he shook his head.  
  
‘I’m a mess’ he muttered to himself.  
  
‘You are. You’re also lucky that I exist so you don’t starve to death’ Eddie shrugged.  
  
Jonathan tickled his neck.  
  
‘You ought to. Remember that I always took you to school when you missed the bus because you’re such a sleepy-head’  
  
Eddie couldn’t help but look around to see if anyone had heard him.  
  
‘I gotta move some boxes in the back, you can watch the new releases if you want, maybe there’s something that catches your eye’  
  
‘My ear’  
  
His brother opened his eyes wide, his brows raised as he pointed at him with both his index fingers. He did that a lot with Eddie, approving of his response.  
  
‘Hit me up if you need anything’ he told him before he disappeared into the backstore.  
  
Eddie wandered the small corridors of the store. It looked older than it was. He wondered if they had redecorated or they had bought it and left it like this. Even the smell was – that old smell that you perceive when you step in old people’s houses. Eddie couldn’t think of a way to describe it. He found himself thinking about how that smell appeared. Did old people grow accustomed to it and stopped being aware of their presence after a while? Did it seep into the walls, corners, couches, and suddenly was a part of their homes, just like the rest of the immaterial stuff that inhabited or conformed a house? Was the smell they missed when they left home for a while and thought back on it? Whenever he thought of his grandparents homes' he thought of that smell. And also of quietness. There wasn’t quietness here, though, but the familiarity of the smell made him tranquil, in a way.  
  
He heard a guitar being played behind the shelf he was walking past at that moment. He knew the song, he was sure he did, but he couldn’t recognize it. Curiosity sparked in him and guided him to the end of the shelf before making a turn at the corner.  
  
_What?_  
  
He stepped back, his cheeks were red. How could someone make you feel so angry? The hate started in his stomach, the heat spreading through his body, he particularly felt it in his neck. He breathed out, harsh.  
  
He peeked again, to see if he had noticed him, but he was slightly turned on the other direction, too focused on the guitar, his fingers moving expertly on the strings, gently pressing and releasing, pressing and releasing, like he must had done it a thousand times. His eyes on the instrument, like nothing else mattered. If he had turned to look at him, he would have been eaten alive by the anger, he would have probably yelled something, even tackled him, he didn’t mind the place they were at, the people that were around. But it was just him there, and Eddie had no place in his little bubble. He felt that this moment was so intimate yet he was there, being part of it, although uninvited. There was something about becoming visible for him that made him mad, but he wasn’t now, he didn’t exist for Richie at that moment. The fact that he wasn't aware of his presence made him relax and listen to him playing to no one but himself - at least that must've been what he thought.


	2. Chapter 2

Eddie turned around to see if his brother was done and didn’t realize that the guitar was no longer making any sound.  
  
‘Hey, Kaspbrak’ Richie said.  
  
Eddie felt his cheeks burning due to the embarrassment of getting caught.  
  
‘Were you spying on me?’  
  
Eddie closed his hands in fists.  
  
‘I was just checking where did that noise come from’  
  
‘Oh, that was Beverly’ Richie replied, moving the guitar slightly.  
  
‘Beverly?’  
  
‘Yeah, it’s her name’  
  
‘Great, good to know’  
  
Eddie turned around and started heading for the door. He felt fast steps behind him when he was about to reach it.  
  
‘Do you like music?’ Richie asked, walking next to him.  
  
Eddie stopped and rolled his eyes.  
  
‘My brother works here’ was all he answered.  
  
‘That’s not what I asked’ the other replied with a raised eyebrow.  
  
Eddie felt a bit proud of himself when he saw that he still had his lip bruised.  
  
‘Why are you talking to me?’  
  
Richie shrugged his shoulders.  
  
‘You’re the only person my age I’ve seen here so far today’  
  
‘So what? You just come up to me and start a conversation? After what happened last week?’ Eddie asked, furrowing his eyebrows.  
  
‘Oh, right. You punched me’  
  
‘Yeah, I did. And I’d do it again’  
  
‘I actually was-’  
  
‘No, just, don’t, I don’t want to hear anything about it’  
  
‘Then how can I apologize?’  
  
‘You can save it. I have nothing to say to you’  
  
‘But-’  
  
‘Shut up! Leave me the fuck alone’ he said before exiting the store.

-

 

Eddie had his walkie talkie always on, hence why he spent so much money on batteries. He wanted to be reachable to Mike always, because maybe he would have something to talk about, even if most of the times it was irrelevant stuff. Maybe the irrelevant was relevant too.  
  
The static made him unable to feel alone, but it wasn’t suffocating, having someone there. Because even if the static was there constantly, Mike wasn’t sometimes. Maybe he didn’t want to talk, or maybe he was out. Eddie had become used to that sound, and whenever it stopped because the batteries had run out he missed it, he would feel something was off in his room.  
  
‘Mike?’ he asked, the moon was out, really big and bright. Eddie was sketching something and looking out of his window from time to time to see it. The corners of the room that weren't illuminated by his lamp were bathed by its light.  
  
‘Yeah’ he heard.  
  
It was like taking your favourite book from the shelf and finding out some of the pages were missing.  
  
‘Hey, you okay?’ he asked.  
  
A few seconds passed. He knew Mike. Mike, who always wanted to be tough. Mike, who didn’t need anybody, but did.  
  
‘No’ he finally answered.  
  
Eddie breathed in deeply.  
  
‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, resting his back against his chair and biting his lower lip.  
  
Again, a long pause. He felt helpless but he knew pressuring him would do no good.  
  
‘I… I think Stan knows’ he answered.  
  
Well, that did sting.  
  
At first he wanted to think that Stan knew what might be going on with him, that he was more intuitive than Eddie and had guessed what happened. But no, he knew that what Mike meant was that Eddie had been left out on whatever that was going on with Mike.  
  
It wasn’t Stan and Mike who talked almost every night, their homes close enough to one another they could talk through walkie-talkies. It wasn't them who were available when the other needed them when everyone slept and something didn't allow them to do the same.  
  
He forced himself to stop that train of thought, because even if finding that out hurt, it wasn’t the moment to make this about himself, because his friend had something going on and right now he had to focus on him. This was about him.  
  
Eddie felt that he had to ask, because Mike was giving away so little.  
  
‘It has to do with him?’ he bit the inside of his cheek.  
  
‘No, it’s not that.' he paused again for a few seconds 'I had a breakdown. You were not in class with us. I wouldn’t had told him otherwise’  
  
He felt the taste of blood in his mouth.  
  
‘Do you want to tell me?’ he offered tentatively, minding his words.  
  
‘Can you come over?’ was all response.  
  
‘Sure’.

-  
He crawled out the window like he had done in the past. His mum would get really angry if she came into his room and didn’t found him there at this time of the night, but she’d end up guessing where he was. Eddie felt that his friend needing him was a strong enough reason to disappoint his mum for one night, even if she didn’t understand. Sure, maybe some time in the past he had gone to Mike’s house for something that was not an emergency. But right now, it was important, so he had to be there.  
  
‘Hey’ Eddie said as soon as he crawled into Mike’s room. His friend sat on his own bed, his back against the wall.  
  
‘Hey’ Mike replied.  
  
Eddie walked up to his bed.  
  
‘You didn’t get caught’ Mike said as his friend sat next to him.  
  
‘I’m getting better at it’ Eddie smiled.  
  
Mike smiled slightly, playing with his hands nervously. Eddie pretended that he didn't notice.  
  
‘I swear I wouldn’t have told him if it hadn’t happened’  
  
The fact that he was worried about him being upset for not telling him made Eddie feel a bit ashamed. Was he so transparent? Or did Mike know him way too well?  
  
It was true that Eddie had thought more than once that maybe Stan and Mike had a kind of friendship that was deeper, a bond that was more important than that Mike and him, or Stan and him shared. But that fear, a bigger part of his mind was convinced, was his neurosis seeping into the idea of a balanced friendship with both friends. That idea was what he usually felt was real. But sometimes, that changed, as if the fact that they were three, meant that one of them would always be loved more than the other. He felt terrible when he thought of that, because even if he lived closest to Mike, he felt just as close to Stan. Maybe Mike had thought about it some time in the past too, hence why he was being so careful with not hurting Eddie.  
  
‘It’s okay... I understand what happened, I’m not mad at you. I just want to know what’s wrong and how can I help you’ he said.  
  
He almost said ‘tell me’, but that was maybe pushing too much.  
  
‘You’re already helping’ Mike showed a sad smile.  
  
His voice sounded deeper, as if the words struggled to come out.  
  
‘I broke down because I found a note in my locker a few months back. When I read it... it said - stuff about my parents’  
  
Eddie frowned.  
  
‘I never – told you, because I didn’t want you to pity me.' he breathed in deeply 'They were killed – in a car accident, a hit and run. It happened during daytime, but, apparently’ a few tears started running down his cheeks ‘there were no witnesses. So, no one was held accountable for their deaths’  
  
Eddie didn’t know what to say. He wondered how he had kept all this inside.  
  
He wrapped his friend’s shoulders with his arm, and he felt him, reluctantly at first, giving in to Eddie holding him. Mike rested his cheek on his shoulder.  
  
‘This week – this week makes one year since it happened’ he choked out, trembling.  
  
Eddie bit his lower lip, and he held one of his hands with his free one, stroking Mike’s with his thumb.  
  
‘I’m so sorry’ he muttered.  
  
Mike nodded, more tears rolling down his cheeks.  
  
He thought that he was his family. He thought that he should say it, too.  
  
‘I know it’s not the same, and that we haven’t known each other for that long… but you’re like a brother to me. I get on better with you than I do with my real one, even’  
  
‘You’re lying’  
  
‘You and I argue less. And I can tell you that I spend more time with you. You’re family too’  
  
Mike choked back on whatever that he was going to say. A few seconds passed before he could talk again.  
  
‘I can’t stop crying’  
  
‘It’s okay. I’m not leaving’

-  
He sighed deeply as he walked down the street, his brother’s lunchbox in his hand. _You’re seeing Mike and Stan later, you’re seeing Mike and Stan later_ he kept telling himself, as he gained some strength and headed towards the music store.  
  
He stepped in, heard the music from his guitar before he heard the one from the speakers of the store.  
  
He saw that Jonathan wasn’t in the counter, so he waited patiently in front of it. He knew Jonathan didn’t want him to check the back looking for him. He said the boss didn’t allow clients, but Eddie also know it was because sometimes hooked up with girls there, not that he had told him he knew that. He checked the poster of The Clash that was behind the counter, green and pink, black and white. He thanked God because he couldn’t hear the music from his guitar from there. A new song started playing in the store, Another One Bites the Dust. Eddie couldn’t help but follow the beat with one of his feet, placing his arms on the counter and looking at the door to the back store. Maybe he could knock so that Jonathan would know he was there?  
  
‘Hey’ a voice said behind him.  
  
Eddie jumped, placing one of his hands in his chest.  
  
‘Jesus Christ’ he muttered.  
  
‘Oh, sorry. You okay?’  
  
‘Yeah, I'm great’  
  
‘Cool. So, you never answered’  
  
‘What?’  
  
‘I asked if you liked music. You answered that your brother worked here. That wasn’t an answer’ he smiled, adjusting his glasses.  
  
‘My brother knows more about music than I do’  
  
Richie squeezed his eyes.  
  
‘That’s – still not an answer’  
  
‘Why are you talking to me?’ he asked, a bit aggressively.  
  
Richie seemed taken aback.  
  
‘You’re the only person here I know. I’d talk to your brother, the music lover’ he looked at the counter and didn’t find him there so turned again to look at Richie ’but he’s gotta work, so, even if you despise me, I’ve got no one else to talk to’ he shrugged.  
  
_Even if you despise me._  
  
Eddie looked at him like he was out of his mind, but Richie didn’t seem to care.  
  
‘Can I show you something I made? I’ll take your criticism, I know you won’t sugarcoat your opinion and will enjoy telling me that it’s garbage if it is’  
  
Eddie laughed.  
  
‘No’  
  
‘Why not?’ Richie asked, his head tilted, genuinely curious.  
  
‘Because we’re not friends’  
  
‘Never said we were, but you can criticize my music, I’m just offering’  
  
‘No, thanks’  
  
‘Well, okay’ he replied, a slight disappointment in his voice.  
  
‘I gotta go’ Eddie said, the situation was awkward enough already, he didn’t want it to last any longer.  
  
‘Okay, see you around’  
  
_I hope not_ Eddie thought as he stepped out the store.

-  
‘Did he really tell you that?’ Mike asked, his features scrunched up.  
  
‘Yeah, he came up to me and told me that I could listen to his music and give him an 'honest' opinion about it’  
  
He took a bite of his sandwich, his back resting against a tree. They were having dinner together. Some days they would hang out even after it got dark. Lately it had become more frequent, it had been Stan and Eddie’s idea. They knew Mike wasn’t doing his best, and it was hard during daytime, but night-time was worse. Night-time was quieter, and your thoughts couldn’t be eclipsed, so they tried to be with him instead of leaving him alone during those moments. They hoped that by the time they got home he would be too tired to let his mind wander towards the thought of his parents. He wondered if Mike realized what they were doing and didn’t mind, or if he hadn’t even noticed.  
  
‘I don’t know, Eds, to me it sounds like he’s alone’  
  
‘What?’ Eddie replied. Crumbs flied from his mouth and landed on the ground.  
  
‘Yeah, I mean, according to you he hates you as much as you hate him, yet he talks to you. Maybe he wants to be your friend?’  
  
Eddie felt a bit of anger towards Stan.  
  
‘That's true’ Mike agreed.  
  
‘But – like -’ Eddie started ‘don’t you remember what he told me at the party? Don’t you remember what he did?’  
  
‘Yeah, I guess. Maybe he wasn’t saying it seriously’  
  
Eddie made an ‘o’ shape with his mouth.  
  
‘Why are you defending him?’  
  
‘I’m just telling you what it looks like to me’  
  
‘You had just hit him, Eds, maybe he said that because you’d broken his lip and he wanted to hurt you too somehow’  
  
‘Oh, what the fuck, you too, Mike?’  
  
‘God, I’m sorry, I just – I think you’ve always hated him for things that weren’t even that big of a deal, but you turned them into one, you know? He actually seems like a cool dude’  
  
Eddie got up, finishing his sandwich in one bite. His words barely understandable because of that.  
  
‘You’we my fwends! You a’ suppose to suppowt me!’  
  
‘Of course we support you, but we’ve got to tell you when you’re being irrational, too’ Stan retorted, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
The fact that they didn’t seem to back up on what they were saying made him even angrier.  
  
‘UGH, fuck both of you!’ he yelled as he walked away from them, stomping as he disappeared into the trees, ignoring Mike’s calls.

-

He felt bad.  
  
Like, the words his friends had told him the night before had slipped with a insidious fierceness in his mind and had troubled his sleep. Actually, he had barely gotten any. And at 4 a.m. he hated Mike, Stan, and specially Richie Tozier, but at 11 a.m. he felt terrible for the way he’d left. He felt terrible, because Richie did indeed seem to be lonely. _But he has friends_ he thought, _He's one of the most popular kids in our school_. But he knew that sometimes that was not enough. He didn’t know what kind of friends he had, if Richie would call them 'friends', even.  
  
Maybe he actually didn’t know, before he kissed Mary, that Eddie liked her. He seemed to be genuinely startled when he came at him like that. And Mike was right, he had just hit him and Richie hadn’t had the chance to hit back, so he could have used his words to cause a wound of a different kind. Maybe he had been demonizing Richie all this time. Maybe he hadn’t, but his friends had told him that he had, and if that had caused this kind of doubt in his mind, chances were they were, at least, partly right. Wow, did he have a hard time admitting it.  
  
So, he didn't appreciate his brother forgetting his lunch yet again, having a reason to be there. Because Richie would know, he was sure he would know, if he saw him getting there looking like that, that he had been in his conscience, that he had been thought of by him. He didn’t want that.  
  
‘Hey, oh, God, thank you.’ his brother told him, as soon as he walked in, ‘I’m starving’  
  
‘Sorry for being late’  
  
‘You don’t need to be sorry! I am the one who forgot, it’s alright’ his brother smiled at him, ‘Did you sleep alright?’ he said looking at the bags under his eyes.  
  
‘Yeah, don’t worry’ he said.  
  
His brother smiled, and ran a hand through his hair.  
  
‘It’s Stan’s birthday soon, I’m going to see if I find something interesting’  
  
‘Of course’ his brother said, opening his lunchbox, ‘just tell me if you need anything’ he winked at him, and Eddie tried to do the same, but blinked with both eyes, making him laugh.  
  
He turned around and bit his lip, heading to the source of the music. He was getting used to the melody of the guitar, and it felt like coming back to somewhere you’ve already visited and quite hadn’t appreciated as much as you should have.  
  
‘Hey’ he said.  
  
He stopped playing and looked up at him, he didn’t look as cheerful as he had yesterday.  
  
‘Hi, what’s up?’ he asked, joining his hands in front of his guitar. Eddie could tell that his legs were shaking slightly.  
  
Was he nervous, or impatient, or was it something he did by default when he stopped playing guitar? Eddie couldn’t tell.  
  
‘Uh – so I was a bit rude yesterday, and the other day as well’  
  
‘Maybe. I was probably a bit invasive, too’ Richie acknowledged, ‘It’s fine’  
  
‘Okay’ Eddie touched the shelf he had next to him.  
  
Richie had found a spot where he didn’t bother nobody, nor did anybody bother him. Except him, right now, Eddie thought. He felt uncomfortable but his conscience wasn't tranquil yet, so he thought of a possible solution.  
  
‘Do you want to show me what you made?’ he proposed.  
  
Richie’s face lit up.  
  
‘Sure! Sit down’ Eddie sat on the floow, a couple of feet away from him but facing him.  
  
‘It’s not quite finished yet, but I’m proud of what I have so far. Be honest, though, you can say it’s trash’  
  
‘I’ll be honest’ it was the least he owed him.  
  
Eddie had no idea about music, so he knew his wouldn't quite be a reliable opinion, but he would try.  
  
Richie started playing. His fingers moved slowly at first, almost caressing the strings, it didn’t feel like part of the song, but a melody seemed to appear, steady, growing confident with each stroke. Eddie wondered if there were lyrics that came with it, or if it was a story by its own. He sometimes thought that music was meant to have a spoken part, poetry. Because that was explicit, that said something that he could understand. He couldn’t understand what each chord wanted to say, why this stroke followed that one and not this other one. There was so much hidden from him, maybe that’s why he didn’t like music as much as his brother, because there was a side of it that would always be kept from him. If it was just music, without lyrics, he couldn’t know what the artist was feeling, he didn’t know what Richie was trying to tell him.  
  
Something changed in his music. It was more upbeat, suggestive even. Maybe it was the chorus. Eddie could have sworn that there was frustration behind the music, but he could have been easily making it up. Or maybe it was the way Richie was playing the guitar. Where was the line drawn? Was it something that was supposed to be in the song, or was Richie adding it on purpose, was something troubling him and it could be felt in the sound the instrument was making?  
  
It shifted, again, it became more tranquil, peaceful. One could fall asleep if someone played this for them.  
  
Eddie turned his eyes, who had been seeking shelter in the emotionless floor, and faced the feelings that seemed to ooze from his every movement. In this tiny space, Richie seemed to become something else.  
  
_Is this your song, or is this you?_ Eddie thought.  
  
The melody slowly came to an end. The last few notes hanging in the air above them, like the punctuation of a sentence. Three suspension points.  
  
‘Well?’  
  
Eddie pursed his lips.  
  
‘It was good’ he answered.  
  
‘Good?’ Richie asked ‘As in, I wouldn’t switch the radio off if this was playing?’  
  
Eddie meditated it for a couple of seconds.  
  
‘Maybe as in, 'I would turn the volume slightly down'’  
  
‘Yes!’ Richie cheered.  
  
Eddie couldn’t help but chuckle.  
  
‘Does it have lyrics?’ he dared to ask.  
  
‘Yeah, but I don’t have the best voice. I’m better at playing guitar, so I figured I would only let you listen to the music. I still have to finish it and then I’ll add the lyrics. I can show it to you then if you want to?’  
  
Eddie was a bit surprised as he heard him formulate the question, but once he was done talking, it took him a second to answer.  
  
‘Of course’


End file.
